What do you do when your man pulls back or is inconsistent? It drives you nuts but regardless how many times you have yelled, cried or screamed; he continues to do it! Why does he do it and how do you get it to stop?
The answer is actually simple. If a man feels there is an open door 'in and out of your life' - he'll take it. A man comes in and out of your life for one reason; because you ALLOW it. 'Stop making it so easy for him!'
When he pulls back and you don't hear from him for days, weeks or God forbid - months, you labor almost every day thinking about him and trying to get him back. When he is being inconsistent or inattentive the absolute WORST thing you can do is call, text or email him. That, in effect, rewards his negative behavior. When he finally contacts you - you are ecstatic! You are anxious to speak to him. You change your plans, you free your time, you wait.. and wait.. and wait. When he finally does contact you, you may yell, scream or cry and make him promise not to do it again, but he keeps repeating this pattern.. over and over again.. until YOU pull in the reigns and say 'enough is enough'.
Why does he do this? Well, it is simple. When you reward his bad behavior with 'attention' and 'telling him how much you care and desire him' you reward him for being inconsiderate to you. When he ends up getting what he wants from you - be it sex, attention, words of adoration, (or whatever drives him) that gives him his 'fix'.. so he takes it and then goes back to being inconsistent.
The WORST mistake you can make is to anxiously welcome him back and allow the relationship to go back to where it was BEFORE he disappeared. Again, that reinforces the negative behavior and you make it waaaaaaaay to easy for him. He begins to subconsciously feel that being inconsistent is the best way to get attention from you. You actually 'train him' to respond that way. He gets the attention he needs from you when he is being inconsistent and that drives him to do it. So, YOU HOLD THE KEY!!! Stop chasing him and PULL BACK and watch the changes unfold.
Now, let's look at the flip-side. Some women don't put up with it. If they encounter a man that is inconsistent - after the first time he 'disappears' when they 're-appear' the woman is unavailable, nonchalant and totally uninvolved with this man emotionally. She is 'nice' but 'aloof' and when he wants to see her or chat or have sex.. she tells him she is busy and/or doesn't respond to him for awhile. What is the message a man gets when he encounters this behavior? He quickly realizes that in order to KEEP THIS WOMAN he has to be on his toes and treat her well; with attention, consideration and love. Otherwise, she'll drift away.
Believe it or not, in both instances, the man really wants the woman in his life; so you truly do hold the key to determine how a man treats you.
So the best approach to get a man to be more consistent is simple. When he is not being consistent and attentive; back off. When he resurfaces, act nonchalant and very casual. Listen but don't speak much. Keep your conversations, chat sessions or emails short and sweet. Don't unveil your deep feelings. Don't be an open book. Men don't realize it but they are hard-wired for the conquest. Even hearing that you care and adore him is often enough for him to feel good about himself and then off he goes again - back to being inconsistent. The better approach is to act like he is a casual friend and treat him that way.
If your best friend treated you the way your man does how would you act? Most likely 'cautious and casual'. You wouldn't welcome them back into your life with open arms.
That is exactly the way you should act when a man treats you that way.
DO's: (to keep him consistent!!)
- ALWAYS be positive.
- ALWAYS be happy and upbeat.
- ALWAYS be strategixzing and ONE STEP ahead of your man!
- ALWAYS be smarter and strategize.
- ALWAYS allow a man to chase you and shower you with love and attention.
- ALWAYS allow a man to PROVE himself to you.
- ALWAYS wait before responding to him. When he re-appears in your life don't take his calls right away. Let him reach out to you 2 or 3 or more times before you take his calls, answer emails or text messages. Let it go to vm or just ignore it. Regardless of what kind of message he leaves you (telling you how much he cares, misses you etc) HOLD YOUR GROUND, stay pulled back. Don't give in. If he is emailing or text messaging, allow at least 48 hours (preferably more) to pass before you contact him.
- ALWAYS be brief. When you do speak, email or text - keep all communication BRIEF. If on a phone call, then keep conversation to 5 minutes for the first call and as a rule to NO MORE than 10 minutes (until he is very consistent with you). If emailing or text messaging, answer in 1-2 sentences with very brief wording.
- ALWAYS realize that men learn how to TREAT YOU by your actions. If you stay on the phone with him for many hours each day then he gets all his needs fulfilled and you actually slow down the progress of a relationship. Keep it brief. If it gets really serious with you, then give a little more, but ONLY after you get what you desire from your man.
- ALWAYS be the first to hang up saying you are busy and have some where etc go or first to leave if meeting for lunch, etc. Be vague. Until you have a ring on your finger, it is NONE of his business.
- NEVER call, text or email a man who is ignoring you or is not attentive If the relationship is worthwhile then BE SMARTER than he is. Look at this as a long-term investment in YOUR future.
- NEVER stay on the phone with a man for hours when he isn't giving you everything that you want.
- NEVER tell a man how you feel until he is consistent and giving you what you want; and then dish it out slowly. Listen and let him tell you.
- NEVER believe a man who falls in love with you in 24 hours. Over 95% of the time he is thinking with the wrong part(s) of his body!
- NEVER act mad or angry if you don't hear from him. Act casual as if it doesn't matter. When you get mad and upset, it is a boost to his ego and that alone drives some men to act inconsistent,
- NEVER give into having sex (or phone sex) with this man if he isn't being consistent and attentive to you. If you do, you will be telling him that he can come in and out of your life (for sex) without giving you anything more.
How to respond to an email or text message:
If you haven't heard from him in awhile and he sends you an email or text message, wait 2-3 days before responding. Then be very brief. If he asked any questions in his communication with you, answer 1 or 2 very briefly. You are NOT obligated to give him a full run-down of what he missed. If he is so interested and concerned about your life; he shouldn't disappear for days, weeks or months.
"hey, nice to hear from you. I am doing great, thanks for asking. Been really busy. Have a great week! "
Do NOT reach out to him in any way after you speak, email or text. Yes, this is a waiting game but a well worth waiting game. Retraining someone can take days, weeks or months, but it WILL pay off!!!
WHAT ARE THE SIGNS THAT YOUR MAN WANTS TO GET SERIOUS?
I am a firm believer in the Three C's: COMMUNICATION, CHEMISTRY and COMPROMISE. These are the staples behind any long-lasting relationship. These along with a few others are the key ingredients to knowing when your man is getting serious.
A man who is serious about a relationship knows the benefits of communication. He is ready, willing and able to talk honestly and openly and express the good and the bad. Good days, bad days, stressful days and all things in between. Equally, he is interested in you and how your day went, what you feel and what is important to you. He takes the time to listen when you are upset and hurt. He doesn't want to shut you out nor be shut out. Granted, many men are not good at sharing themselves in relationships but a man who wants to get serious finds ways to share and include you into his world.
CHEMISTRY: More than Just Sex
There is great sex but also great intimacy. There is an unspoken language between the two of you. You can be looking at each other from opposite sides of a room and you are in synch with each other. it is undeniable and gets stronger as the relationship matures. It is different from lust that often exists at the beginning of a relationship and then fizzles. True chemistry is always there and builds with intimacy.
COMPROMISE: He is not afraid to compromise – He doesn't always have to be right. He considers your opinion and values it. He recognizes that it isn't just HIS WAY or YOUR WAY - there is a middle ground and he is willing to find it. Even at times when he feels he is right or wants to do things 'his way'.. he finds the way to make that compromise. A man ready to be serious in a relationship knows that a happy partner is the foundation to a solid relationship. Those men that have to be right or have it their way or always persuade their partner do what 'they' want is not conducive to a healthy relationship.
INTERESTED IN YOU AND YOUR LIFE: He gets to know your friends and family
When a man is truly 'into' a woman and wants to get serious he wants to be involved in her life just as he wants her involved in his life. He welcomes opportunities to interact with your family and friends as well as have you involved with his. If he keeps you hidden or as a big secret, the man is not ready to be serious.
REALISTIC GOALS: He's able to accept imperfections:
All too often when a man is only interested in dating, they want Miss Perfect. However, when a man is serious about settling down, he is more open-minded and realistic. He will accept your flaws and more often not even look for or notice them. If a partner is too critical of you, he isn't seeing you for who you really are. That often is a sign that he is not ready to get serious.
PROTECTOR: He wants to be the provider:
Men start thinking about their career future, where they live, where they want to live and start buckling down more seriously with their finances when they are getting serious about a woman. Those men who are older or financially secure will often begin to look at their portfolios in a different way (either to share or protect).
READY: He is talking about Getting Serious.
When you meet someone and begin talking marriage on a first date or even the first month of dating, these are generally situations that don't last. But when a man who has been grounded and real in a relationship and has taken his time getting to know you and allowing the relationship to build its own natural momentum begins talking about settling down or getting married he is generally being sincere. A man doesn't start bringing up marriage or getting serious unless he is ready. Or, if he asks your ring size or favorite cut of diamond, you know he is thinking long-term.
HE HAS TO BE A FIRM BELIEVER IN COMMITMENT:
Some men are truly RELATIONSHIP or MARRIAGE MATERIAL and others are not. Some men believe in commitment others do not. In order for a man to be ready to be serious he needs to believe in commitment. If he doesn't, it won't ever work.
There have been several studies done on Friends with Benefits Relationships which involve surveys of thousands of college students. These are recent surveys (2007). Based on these studies only 10% of friends with benefits relationships turn into romantic relationships. Approximately 1/3 of those surveyed drop the benefits part and end up as just friends. 1/4 dropped the friendship all together and approximately 1/3 of the friends with benefits continued indefinitely. Amazingly, over 75% of those surveyed in friends with benefits relationships did not have 'relationship' discussions with their partner after entering into this type of arrangement.
According to this 2007 study by Michigan State University those 'friends' who were able to talk openly and honestly before entering a friends with benefits relationship often breaks down and very little communication ensues. While not statistically significant, this study showed that “men focus on the benefits, women on the friends” aspect of the friends with benefits relationship.
So, why do singles enter into these relationships? Usually loneliness or the desire to create something more than just friends. These relationships appear 'safe' on the surface and participants often feel that it is better than just sleeping around. Engaging in a 'friends with benefits' arrangement allows for the physical gratification of a relationship without the commitment. These relationships offer what appears to be the best of both worlds where both partners lead their own lives and are not obligated to the other; which sounds enticing to some but so often one of the partners secretly craves for more. Friends with benefits relationships usually doesn't work out for either party. These arrangements often do not produce lasting or meaningful results and tend to run their course very quickly.
Women and some men have difficulty with physical intimacy without the emotional connection. This can set up one or both individuals for more than they initially bargained for. For women this type of relationship is much harder to maintain because of oxytocin. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone and neurotransmitter, released during orgasm. It is the same hormone released in higher dose when a woman gives birth. So, for women to maintain a casual relationship when there is sex involved chemically works against the dynamics of her hormones and body.